The Naruto Murder Mysteries
by Uggie
Summary: Naruto and gang find a faceless body at the house they're staying at. It's up to them to find the culprit. Of course, they're ninjas, not detectives. So, sit back and enjoy the weirdness.
1. Case One

This is utter crap, trust me. I know. XD

Right, expect severe OOCness.

Oh and, whoever you think is the killer. You're wrong. D

(There are going to be several chapters so don't be fooled.)

**The Naruto Murder Mystery**

**The Naruto files**

**Case One**

**It was a cold breath of air. Too cold, perhaps. But maybe it was because I wasn't wearing my sweater and it was a dawning day. **

**Just maybe…**

Whatever the reason, I sat up with the stretch. The bones cracking beneath my flesh was a bit eerie, but I didn't give a damn. A mirror lurking in the corner called out to me, thus I obeyed. The setting was a random locales home, where Kakashi, the sensei, Sakura, the sexiest ass meat, and Naruto, the most gorgeous daredevil alive, decided to reside at. Sasuke too, but no one gives a flying fuck about him right now. And if you do, go bite yourself.

My reflection peered out, groggy like myself. Blonde locks you could only envy, and the most charming face of all Konoha. I am Naruto, you bitch.

"But, this is when it all turned upside down. My world of dreams became one of nightmares."

"Naruto, stop practicing monologues in front of the mirror you dumb fuck."

Ah, Sakura. I could tell just by her heavenly voice.

"What do you mean, Sakura?" I asked gently, as I turned towards her. Her lightly pink hued hair was in mayhem, and she seemed off color. Even still she was one fine hunk of ass.

"I mean you are hogging the fucking mirror." She cried, pushing me away. Of course, I knew she only did this because deep down she didn't want me to figure out that even deeper down she had sweltering feelings for me. Of course deep down I had my own but I understood her even deeper down feelings because my deep down feelings are smart. Like me. And handsome, too.

But, back to the story.

"Sorry, Sakura," I sent her a dashing smile before sauntering off, only after retrieving my stereotypical brown detective cloak.

You know, just in case.

It was while I was grazing about some rice fields did I notice something truly peculiar.

"A foot print?" I questioned myself, kneeling to look at the imprint upon the ground.

"What is it?" A familiar drawl behind me asked. The hairs on my backs lifted because of my intense want to kick said person's ass to the ground with the print. It was Sasuke after all.

'What the fuck do you care you little fag,' I thought of answering with.

"It's a footprint," was all I let out, however. Sasuke kneeled beside me, gazing at it in unison. The heat off of his body told me either he was hot or he was gathering Chakra to beat my ass and take the glory of discovering the print.

I wouldn't put it past him.

"We should tell Kakashi," I chimed in after a lapse of silence.

"About a footprint?" He asked sardonically.

"Yeah." I replied.

"You're a dumb ass." He sighed before standing up. I stood with him, glaring him down to no avail. It was like staring at a brick wall with very nicely groomed navy hair. The bastard.

"Why is that?" I shot at him rudely. "This is critical evidence!"

"Yeah, for what?" He had caught me in a snare. It was a question I didn't know the answer to, but I would later in the story. Foreboding.

With that Sasuke and me decided to return back to the old couple's home where we crashed. Kakashi and Sakura were waiting for us on the porch, as we had been bickering most of the day. Well, all of the day, as a few stars dotted the sky.

Sakura still looked a wreak, nervously pulling out a pocket mirror and gazing at her reflection at intervals. It turned me on, but I didn't let this fact out.

"What's up, Kakashi sensei?" Sasuke asked, noticing a glazed look on his eyes.

"Oh, nothing." He said with a sigh. "But there's a dead body inside the house." He promptly pulled out his Paradise book and began scanning the words religiously while we decided to investigate.

The Nin was evidently female, but the face seemed to have slid off and crept away into the night. This an identification process would have been weird considering there were only two other openings on their body and not one I was reading to shove anything in. But then, maybe Sasuke would.

But he declined this offer, while Sakura knelt to take a pulse.

How cute.

"Dead," She said with a nod. Sasuke seemed to be flexing his leg, mulling the idea of kicking Sakura. Of course, I was ready to intervene.

"Anybody want some ramen?" I offered.

"We have a murder mystery on our hands, we can't go out!" Sasuke cried, flailing his arms. Jesus, what a whiney bitch.

"What do you propose we do then?" I asked.

"Fine some clues, you ass."

Touché. That was quite a good idea, and so we did. Sakura decided we split up and meet up at the ramen shop once we found some clues.

I did as such, and toted my load of goods back to the stand, where Sakura and Sasuke sat waiting.

"What did you find?" I asked of Sasuke, quite confident my evidence would kick his evidence's ass.

"I found the murder weapon, a lock of the dudes hair, and a confession, you?"

"I found a dead squirrel and some sand." I replied timidly.

Fuck.


	2. Part two: Scene stopping Flashbacks! NO!

**The Naruto Murder Mystery**

**The Naruto files**

**Case One part two**

"Sand?" Sakura inquired, eyebrows perching. Sasuke and I both turned towards her, skeptical of her sudden idea. "Sand…Could Gaara be linked to this somehow?" She asked, a devious smile forming.

I paused, slapping my hands together. "Great deductions, Sakura!" I cried. In that mountain of ass meat, she sure did have a brain.

Sasuke simply rolled his eyes, "Nice try, but since I am still in the story, Gaara is still a bastard, and if he had killed that person in there, he would of crushed them."

All he needed to do was shout "Duh!" and finish the annoying know-it-all bitch façade. I sighed, fighting back the urge to piss on his sandals. "I think what Sakura MEANS, SASUKE, is that GAARA might know SOMETHING about the MURDER." Clearly I knew this for most of the words were in capital letters.

"I don't know," Sakura mulled, rubbing her chin. "Sasuke might be right. He's very sexy after all. And he is loaded with angst, which means well…it means if we don't listen to him he may leave us forever." Sakura paused and we all gazed at each other.

"Yeah right, nice try!" I laughed, clasping my chest as we all heaved a nice laugh. "Lets go find Gaara and investigate. It's always a nice start." I added before grabbing Sasuke by his damnable locks of hair and Sakura, ushering out the door as Kakashi waved us off.

"Now, where can we find a villain who will turn good guy later in the series?" Sakura posed a hard question, and this was evident by the fact I had drool coming out of my mouth in confusion.

"Uhh…"I choked before Sasuke cried aloud, shaking in fury:

"You guys are so useless!" He shouted, "he would obviously be over there!"

"Why is it obvious?" I asked, folding my arms to appear adroit. Whatever in the fuck that means.

"Because I am right here?" Gaara cooed, sidling up behind Sakura and releasing a villainous grin. You know the one. The smile he had when Rock Lee kicked his face off and he was all "Oh my god, you are so dead, eyebrows!"

…Back to the story.

"Hold it right there!" I cried at Gaara, flashing my highly detective magnifying lens, holding it up to my eyes and gazing at a pimple I could clearly see on his nose. "We have some questions for you."

"Oh really? I'd rather kill you." Gaara said simply, "But I'll answer Sasuke." He added, turning his eyes over to Sasuke. I felt my stomach die at the amount of black eyeliner he had on, but managed to shrug it off as I threw a temper tantrum.

"Oh my fucking god, Why is it always about Sasuke! The goddamn book and show is called NARUTO. Say it with me: N-a-r-u-t-o!" I tossed my arms up to show I was in rage. Just so they knew.

"Anyways, since you will only answer me," Sasuke pressed on, rolling his arrogant eyes, "Where were you today? Have an alibi?"

"Yeah, where were you?" Sakura cried, though shrinking as eyes fell upon her. "What? I hadn't said anything in awhile. I'm still here you know!"

"I was hanging out with Kankuro and Temari, haven't you dip shits been paying attention in the series? They're the only two I hang out with." He paused, his emerald eyes becoming blood shot. I groaned inwardly.

"Aw, shit, not another flash---" I began, though I became cut off by a flashback sequence. Damn! If it weren't for the flashbacks in this fucking show, I could finish my scenes in five minutes of less. Point in case: Neji, Kimimaro, Gaara…hey wait! I'm not done! Nooo---

--

"What's wrong Gaara?" Temari asked as the sun loomed ahead, Gaara casting her an evil gaze. "Jesus Christ, I try and be nice you act like such a drama bitch."

"Yeah, you're such a dick, Gaara," Kankuro stated, a finger massaging his nose absently. "I can't believe you have so many fat and ugly fan girls."

Gaara's eyes dilated as they became bloodshot, hands clutching his locks of crimson hair as he howled in pain. "SO…MUCH…ANGST!" He cried as the scene dissolved with Temari and Kankuro's eyes rolling in the background, arms crossed.

--

Sasuke snapped his finger before Gaara's eyes. "Hey, buddy! Stay with us!"

"I'll be a good boy, I'm sorry!" Gaara cried, settling himself on the floor and rocking back and forth.

"Yeah, I think we lost this one," I interjected, scratching my scalp.

"So, what else did you find, Naruto?" Sakura asked, examining her nails as we walked away from Gaara, leaving him in the street to dwell in flashbacks without us loosing valuable screen time.

"Sand and a dead squirrel," I reminded her while gazing absently at her chest. For a twelve year old she sure had a nice rack. Heh.

"Squirrel…Squirrel!" She cried, snapping her fingers. "Rock Lee!"

"What?" I cried, Sasuke in equal distress at such finger pointing.

"Rock Lee, remember, in that episode where he saves the squirrel? It clearly fits."

"Indeed!"

Suspense!


End file.
